26 August 2014

my (rambling) thoughts on two

Wow guys. Sorry I have been so very absent from this space. Its so sweet though to hear from many of you that you have actually missed these words I write! I definitely miss this blog world and writing out my thoughts and feelings, and boy do I have a lot of those these days.

Being a mother of two is a whole different ball game. If im being honest, some days I find it really hard. Some days I'm not the mother I hoped to be when I opened my eyes in the morning. Some days I loose my patience with Hazel. Some days Im not as consistent with her as I would like to be. Some days I think that having one was so much easier... 

These days are hard. Because Im hard on myself and hate that I'm failing in some way. My friend Whitney writes over at Life Alaskan Style and also had a daughter a few weeks before Millie was born. She wrote about her own adjustment to two bambinos and described it beautifully; 

"And yet nearly every day I've had moments where I hang my head and close my eyes and feel tears welling up behind my shut-tight eyelids. Deep breaths help, but opening my eyes to see my newborns red, screwed up face as she cries out in her need for me or in the confusion and concern in my two year olds bright, blue eyes as he watches the tears slide down my face makes me feel like I'm failing, just a little bit. And the truth is, every day I do fail a little bit. There's things I could do better and that will always be true. 

I'm so glad that love is there to smooth things over and make things better. To give me the strength I need to try again tomorrow. To bring a smile to my face and a warmth to my heart that nothing but abounding love could inspire. When I open my eyes and see those two faces happy and content because of love poured out of me onto them, I know that the love I gave of myself has returned to me tenfold." 

This describes perfectly how I feel many days. There are moments that are so hard but then there are times that are so beautiful. Times I feel like a wave tossed by the ocean and times I feel like the steady shore.

In her book The Secrets of a Baby Whisper in a chapter called "The Many Moods of Mum" Tracy Hogg wrote, in my opinion, a bang on description of the moods you go through in the postpartum period. When I read this over at The Chronicles of a Babywise Mom blog I immediately resonated. The moods go a little something like this... 

  • This is Easy: You are calm. You are happy. Things couldn't be better. (I feel this much of the time. There are moments of every day I feel this way... Im all "I got this"... )
  • Am I Doing This Right?: Anxiety. You worry that you are doing something wrong. The slightest bump in the road sends you into a panic. (This mostly has happened for me this time around with Millie's gas pain. Since I never experienced this with Hazel it really threw me for a loop and made me feel like I had no clue what I was doing) 
  • This Is Really Bad: This is your last child, you are sure of it. You can never do this again. Why did you want to have a child in the first place? Things were good! (haha I have actually said this to Bob already... even though I know we both want more kids I had a terrible night where he was holding me in bed and I said... no more babies, just no more. We can adopt them when they are older... HA!) 
  • No Problem, I Will Fix It: You are smart. You are capable. You will fix it! (I feel this quite a bit too, but its similar to the "This is Easy" feeling) 
  • The Book Says: You search books and books looking for answers. You make lists and lists. You refuse anything that could disrupt routine. (Yes... this is a pretty big one for me. Since I feel the need for control it makes me feel calm when I have a plan. I researched my BUTT OFF with Hazel and I worked very hard to have her to be a good sleeper especially. I am almost always reading some article or book about something to do with parenting. I tend to glean from many sources and make my own ideas of what will work for us. Read my Confession of a baby Scheduler post here.) 

In a lot of ways though, I have found the second time around to be much easier. Before I became a mother i didn't feel like anyone really told me about the mental adjustment that you go through. I mean someone is dependant on you... for survival... every day... almost non stop. It it mentally draining. And while I definitely feel the same crushing need from Millie that I did with Hazel (now compounded by the fact that now they BOTH need me) It wasn't surprising this time how great that need is. Since Im already used to having someone dependant on me and being the "mom", the mental adjustment was minimal. 

Another thing I have noticed is that I am far more confident this time around. If Millie is crying in the grocery store or Target I don't automatically scurry away for fear that every person around me is judging me. Even if they are judging I don't seem to care because I know that I already am a good mother because I already have a happy and healthy child! For someone who has an awful people pleasing habit I can't tell you how refreshing this is!

Ultimately this season is hard, but its so so good. Millie has begun smiling and Hazel adores her. I can't believe that I get to raise them and watch them play together and be friends. I have been thinking a lot about my own sister and the different ups and downs we have had in our relationship. Sisterhood is a unique bond, much different from a brother/sister relationship. While my sister and I are two very different people, I have enjoyed watching our relationship change and grow over the last few years as we have grown older and started families. I can only pray that Hazel and Millie will be friends through the many stages and changes of their lives.

I am blessed to be a mother of two beautiful girls. I feel honoured to be the one they will come to with their bruised knees and bruised hearts. To raise them to be kind and generous, brave and fun young women. How amazing that this is my life's work.


  1. I'm learning how to be a mom to two full time all over again and although my are older I can relate to the daily moments of failure.

    Your friend is right love can smooth out so much of those rough spots and span the gaps left behind because of being inpatient.

    Hang in there!

    Those babies are just gorgeous.

  2. Thanks Chelsea!! You could definitely do it! It definitely has its challenges but double the reward too! ;)

  3. Thanks Felicia! I find that parenting brings out both the best and the worst in me! haha! Im sure you are doing great!


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